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Helloooo, my darling TechnoCubs! Your favorite IT diva is back, and it’s Friday Funday! During the rest of the week, I usually bring you Maintenance Monday, Tech Tip Tuesday, Workflow Wednesday, and Thoughtful Thursday content to keep your computer singing. But Friday? Oh, honey, Friday is when we let our fur down, grab your favorite honey-mead cocktail (or an unreasonable facsimile), and get crazier than we already are.
Because frankly, the usual tech support queries aren’t exactly setting my circuits on fire. And I’m dying from having my binge-watching interrupted! (I’m working through “Law & Order: Technical Services Division,” but “Cyber-scams She Wrote” and “Real Bitcoin Miners of Silicon Valley” are next in my queue. Angela Lansbury solving cryptocurrency fraud and blockchain drama? Be still, my tech-loving heart!)
So, for a change of pace, I’m pulling back the curtain on my… dubious past to continue TechBear’s Guide to the Multiverse! These aren’t your standard tech support calls. I’m talking about the times when things got weirder than Alice’s wonderland on LSD, when the multiverse itself seemed determined to interrupt my show binges with the most bizarre service calls imaginable.
And whether that digital disaster was three universes over or right next door makes no difference to this old bear. As long as I’m getting paid, and honey, I always get paid—handsomely.
Now y’all sit back, pour yourself some “magic help desk water,” and prepare to have your understanding of troubleshooting thoroughly… dramatized. Remember: Don’t Panic! (And always carry a spare power cable.)
Life Finds a Way… to Unplug Your Router (Especially When Dinosaurs Are Involved)
Listen up, my digital apprentices. TechBear is here, ready to regale you with the second thrilling installment of my journey through the strangest service calls in the multiverse. You know, before I became the sequin-encrusted, caffeine-fueled titan of tech support you all know and begrudgingly adore, I had some interesting calls. And by interesting, I mean certifiably bonkers. I’m telling you, these circuits have seen things that would make your motherboard blush!
And my sweet TechnoCubs, this might be the strangest one yet. All I wanted was to get back to my apartment in time for the season finale of The Nigerian Prince of Bel Air (that episode where they finally reveal who’s been siphoning funds from Carlton’s bank accounts? DRAMA!). Instead, I was squinting through the torrential downpour at my GPS. The corporate park address seemed right, but the massive concrete building with minimal windows looked more like a government facility than the “biotech startup” dispatch had mentioned.
“Third emergency call this week,” I muttered, grabbing my toolkit. “Always during my downtime. I just wanted to finish my documentary on the history of that red stapler.”
When Your IT Troubleshooting Call Takes You to a …Biotech ‘Startup’?
The security desk was unmanned, but my access badge surprisingly worked. Following the ticket instructions, I headed to sub-basement 3, where the ticket said that they were experiencing “network connectivity issues.” Typical. Probably just someone’s Wi-Fi acting up again. Honey, if I had a nickel for every time the solution was this basic, I’d quit and live out my retirement on a private island!
The elevator doors opened to reveal a bustling control room filled with people in white lab coats staring at screens. No one acknowledged me. A stern-looking older man with wire-rimmed glasses shouted about system failures while a younger guy in a Hawaiian shirt typed frantically.
“Uh, tech support,” I announced, dripping water onto the floor.
A harried woman with blonde hair pulled into a ponytail finally noticed me. “Oh, thank God. The entire system’s down. We can’t access any of the security protocol systems. They’re locking everyone out!”
“I’ll need to see your server room,” I sighed. “Sounds like someone unplugged something important. Happens all the time.”
As the woman led me down a corridor, I noticed something odd. “Are those… dinosaur sounds?”
“Testing new audio interfaces,” she replied quickly, without missing a beat. “Very immersive. The server room’s through here.”
Right, I thought. Just another day at the office. Probably some newfangled virtual reality game they’re developing. Or maybe a really aggressive shredder.
She swiped my badge at a heavy door labeled “RAPTOR CONTAINMENT: AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY.” I barely registered it. Raptor? Sounds like a code name for a new video card. Or maybe a really aggressive shredder.
The Simple Fix for a Complex Network Outage (Seriously, Dennis?)
Inside, I immediately spotted the issue. “Someone’s disconnected your main router to plug in a coffee maker. And—” I peered closer, “spilled said coffee all over the backup power supply. That, unfortunately, will need to be replaced. First, though, let’s see if I can get you back up and running.”
“That would be Dennis, our software developer,” the woman muttered, rubbing her temples. “He said he needed caffeine to finish his code. Classic Dennis.”
I just grunted. “Classic Dennis, indeed. It’s always the developers. Never fails. You wouldn’t believe how many ‘critical system failures’ I’ve traced back to a rogue toaster or a phone charger. I’m a technician, not a barista!”
I reconnected the proper cables, reset the system with a practiced flick of my wrist, and wiped down the equipment with a sigh—and a spare wet-wipe from the barbecued chicken I had for lunch. “Should be online now. Next time, tell Dennis to use a power strip. Or, you know, drink water.”
The lights in the facility suddenly brightened, and a voice over the PA system announced, “Security systems online. Paddock doors operational.”
As we headed back to the control room, I heard cheering. The man in the Hawaiian shirt was grinning at his monitor. “We’re back in business! The tour can continue!”
“What kind of biotech startup gives tours during a Category 3 tropical storm?” I asked, genuinely perplexed.
“Oh, it’s our soft opening weekend,” the woman replied vaguely, ushering me toward the exit. “Very important investors. You know how it is.”
On the main screen, I glimpsed what looked like a camera feed of a jeep driving through dense jungle, before the older man blocked my view. It looked like there was a logo on the side of it—a T-rex silhouette with “JURASSIC PARK” emblazoned over it. “ Must be some kind of virtual tour experience, I mused. Pretty elaborate for a “soft opening.” “Thank you for your service,” he said, handing me a clipboard. “Sign the NDA on your way out. Standard procedure.”
Quick Network Fixes That Save the Day (Even When There’s a Roar)
As I trudged back to my van, the rain finally easing, a sound echoed through the corridors: a deafening roar followed by a chorus of decidedly human screams. I took a long pull from my thermos.
“Probably just the wind,” I muttered, starting the engine. “Or maybe Dennis got locked out of the coffee machine again. Honestly, just another Tuesday. My work here is done, and not a moment too soon!”
“Next time, I’m packing extra of the good stuff in my thermos. And maybe some noise-canceling headphones. And possibly a tranquilizer gun. You know, for the ‘audio testing.’ Just in case.”
Looking for more tales of tech support gone strange? Follow TechBear’s weekly “Friday Funday” series for the most bizarre IT troubleshooting adventures across the multiverse.
About TechBear
TechBear, the glamazon of the digital jungle, once stopped a T-Rex rampage with nothing but sass, a surge protector, and a strongly worded Slack message. Rumored to have hot-wired a mainframe using fossilized cat5 cables and a glitter pen, this fabulously feral tech whisperer has faced rogue AIs, possessed printers, and one very judgmental velociraptor in HR. When your servers go Jurassic, TechBear goes full Cretaceous.
About Jason
TechBear is the glamorously grizzled, sass-forward digital persona of Jason—the CEO, Evil Mastermind, and Head Brain Squirrel Herder behind Gymnarctos Studios, a proudly queer-run tech company headquartered in the quirky suburbs of Minneapolis. He builds tech solutions that are accessible and inclusive, wrangling tech chaos with knowledge, code, and a strong cup of coffee (preferably not served in the break room near the containment paddocks).
Need help with your own legacy monstrosity?
Whether you’re fighting spaghetti code, Franken-apps, or a network outage caused by a rogue intern plugging their Keurig into your backup server (classic Dennis), we can help.
For business inquiries, tech questions, or to be featured in a future episode of TechBear’s Guide to the Multiverse, email GymnarctosStudiosLLC@gmail.com.
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